August 13th: An Ode

I’m proud to share my birthday with the greatest group of human beings ever assembled. Spanning the ages, us 13thers have kicked some ass. Here’s my homage to those who came before, and those that are still here crampin’ my style.

Fidel Castro (1926) – I don’t care if your duties have been transferred to your brother Raul, in my mind, you still rule.

Danny Bonaduce (1959) – Congratulations on openly taking steroids and getting less heat than Barry Bonds. Well played, oh red-haired one.

Marty Turco (1975) – In the regular season, you’re a beast. Too bad they don’t give out Stanley Cups at the end of the regular season.

Mark Lemke (1965) – For some reason, I cherished your baseball cards. I didn’t even know you were born on my birthday then. I thought you were awesome. You fooled me. However, you were the inspiration for Homestar Runner. That boggles my mind.

Don Ho (1930) – Rest in Peace. I, too, dig tiny bubbles.

Ben Hogan (1912) – The original Tiger. Also known as The Man.

Theophilus Howard, 2nd Earl of Suffolk (1584) – Dominated the Second Charter of Virginia. Also dominated Catherine Knyvet of Charlton.

Jay Buhner (1964) – I had your Bowman Rated Rookie card, and thought it was the coolest because it had a gold cup on it. I was young, and that was one of my first rookie cards. Mariners for life!

Annie Oakley (1860) – Shot some guns.

Phil “The Power” Taylor (1960) – One Hundred and Eighty! Since this is text-only, I guess I have to describe that. I said that in an enthusiastic English voice, like on the World Series of Darts. But you knew that…

Heinrich, count von Brühl (1700) – Dude had twelve tailors, and wore a new suit every day. This fly noble made sure he was always in fresh threads. Innovative.

Shani Davis (1982) – I think you’re black.

Katharine Close (1992) – You spelled Ursprache (Blogger spell-check fails to acknowledge this word) to win the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee. Lucky for you, because Mike & Mike weren’t there yet.

Brittany Andrews (1973) – The only other females on this list so far are the Spelling Bee winner and Annie Oakley. You are a pornstar. Well done.

Arnulf of Metz (582) – Holding down the saintly angle. You are the patron saint of brewing. I couldn’t thank you more.

Dan Fogelberg (1951) – You got a mention in BASEketball. I didn’t. Fogelberg: 1, PSaMP: 0. (Ed. note: Dan passed away after the original publishing of this post. R.I.P., man)

Corey Patterson (1979) – I needed to boost your spirits, since you play for the Orioles. Happy birthday, buddy! (Ed. note: Now plays for the Reds, so…same thing applies)

Eric Medlen (1973) – Rest in Peace. You were taken too early in that unfortunate drag racing accident back in March (Ed. note: 2007). You were a courageous sonuvabitch. Seemed like a good guy.

Aradia de Toscano (1313) – Cool witch. Can you honestly claim that?

Boone Logan (1984) – Boone waslooking to make his first all-star team in the 2007 MLB season. (Ed. note: His Wikipedia profile has since changed. The above quote was all that was in his earlier bio)

Happy birthday to all these spotlight vultures.

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