Jeff Reed Will Destroy Every Towel Dispenser He Sees

So yeah, just wanted to point out that Jeff Reed’s off-field antics got old really fast. We get it…you’re the everyman athlete who takes funny pictures while wasted with fans. But we don’t need to expect some other goofy Reed-at-a-bar story like it’s an inevitability. Just keep performing on the field, is all we ask.

So I gotta scratch my head when I get forwarded yet another tale of Jeff Reed and a towel machine. This is from a relative of a friend of a friend of a relative. Eat it. I’m not re-printing the entire thing, because it’s long as shit. Just a few highlights. Email me if you want the whole thing.

Names have been changed for hilarity.

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We all know about Pittsburgh Steelers kicker Jeff “Skippy” Reed’s ability to light up any room he steps into…From his outrageous haircuts, to the picture of himself taking a cellphone photo of himself with his penis out, and the photos of him and the other special teamers hitting up Tampa during Super Bowl Week, all the way up to his most recent tussle with a Sheetz towel dispenser in Greensburg, PA… needless to say, the one Pittsburgh-related Sports Star I would love to run into at a bar other than maybe the Pittsburgh Parrot who dealt coke in the mid 80s, would be Jeff Reed. My prayers were answered this (ed: last) weekend.

This past weekend I visited two of my friends, Wang and Poop, from high school where they currently live in Charlotte, NC. We all grew up in Pittsburgh and are huge Steelers fans, they were even fortunate enough to attend both XL and XLIII. I brought a buddy of mine, Earthworm Jim, from where I currently live, Charleston, SC, and both of us have never visited downtown Charlotte before. We both rate cities on the same criteria, the amount of women at the bars, and the quality of the strip clubs. So on Saturday night we went out to a bar called Dixie’s, which also happens to be a Steelers bar, we had a good time, but when last call came around, Poop and I wanted to prolong the evening, so we dragged Wang, Poop, and Poop’s Girlfriend to the only strip club they knew about in downtown Charlotte called Uptown Cabaret.

At about 2:45 a.m. Earthworm Jim and I are sitting in the far end of the club watching the show, when out of the corner of my eye I see a ridiculous bleach blond blow-out haircut being led by a stripper to the VIP area up stairs. I grabbed Earthworm Jim and said, “That’s Jeff Reed.”

Without really thinking about what I might say, I got up out of my seat and made a b-line right to where the stripper was leading Skippy up the stairs, and I yelled out “Jeff.” Amazingly he turned around as if he had been expecting to see me. This is where it got a little hazy because I was so overwhelmed that by the time I got back to my seat a few moments later, I could barely recall what I said. All I can guarantee is three things:

1) I thanked him for the Super Bowl win and may have said he was my favorite player on the team (definitely not true, but he does rank in the top 5)

2) He was a super nice guy considering I was delaying him from a lap dance, and he even asked if I wanted to come upstairs and hang out, but I declined because it would have been far too weird

3) I will forever regret not going upstairs and hanging out with Jeff Reed in the VIP section of a strip club.

But the night was not yet done. Closing time was 3:30 a.m. and Earthworm Jim and I were two the last to exit. But we decided to use the men’s room before we left. Inside the bathroom, we encountered Skippy again along with who we assumed was his buddy, and there was also a bathroom attendant.

Skip washed his hands, the attendant offered him a towel, at which time Skip politely declined the towel to use the blow dryer on the wall. But he couldn’t find the button to push that starts it (it was in fact, a sensor activated one) so he begins to lightly tap it on the side, but slowly he starts getting rougher and rougher with it. Finally his buddy says out loud so that both Earthworm Jim and I can hear, “Uh-oh, this isn’t gonna be good,” goes over, grabs Skip, and finally escorts him out of the bathroom. I swear to you this actually happened, the guy gets arrested and fined for destroying a paper towel machine at a Sheetz outside Pittsburgh, and then less than two weeks later, almost pulled the same move at a strip club in Charlotte.

The icing on the cake was when we walked outside of the club, Skippy and his buddy were sitting on the back of an empty rickshaw, with a blanket over themselves (it was a cold evening). Since I rickshaw for a living I was absolutely amazed but also wondering where the driver was. All of a sudden this guy runs out of the club and jumps on the bike and starts riding away. I had seen the rider inside the club earlier, so the only explanation was that Skip and his buddy hopped on a rickshaw, said take us to Uptown Cabaret, took the rider inside with them, and left the rickshaw outside with the valet attendant.

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Before he almost killed his second towel dispenser, Reed also confidently let his johnson hang out in the bathroom. It’s all in the email if you care.

 

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