Oh, so you want to eventually lead the NHL in scoring while making a case for league MVP? Then take a cue from Penguin Evgeni Malkin, whose new stretching home video will get you on your way to achieving that perfect level of hockey-superstar-flexibility. And for only four easy payments of $17.75 (ed: do the math).
First off, start with something easy. Most likely, you’re not currently leading the league in scoring. Heck, you aren’t even in the league if you’re buying this home video. You’re an overweight fan with delusions of grandeur…or run a sports blog that features miniature horses. Either way, a simple lift of the legs will get you on your way to increased movement in your hammies, and the burn you’re feeling will only be quenched with the Hart Trophy.
After you’ve mastered keeping your legs in the air, try…oh wait, you’re not going to be able to do that. Unless you can fold yourself in half, I’m gonna go ahead and assume that you’ll get through the first stretch on the tape before you throw in the towel. People aren’t supposed to bend like that, Geno…you’re alienating your prospective customers!
If you’ve somehow made it past steps 1 and 2, scissor the air while the nearest goalie looks on in a mix of amusement and horror. This step obviously involves another human, so keep plugging away at steps 1 and 2 until you’re fit enough to get a friend to want to help you. People won’t be so willing to help if you’re still a mess.
Send your first payment to firstname.lastname@example.org. All major credit cards turned down. Cash only, jerks.