thesuperficialhackroethlisberger

Aww, Big Ben Gives Twashy Gossip Bwogger A Fwownie Face

I only read a few celebrity gossip/trash blogs to keep abreast of Hollywood happenings. And that’s literally the sole reason I came across this rather unnecessary post.

The Superficial is a mostly funny blog. But the dude, an admitted Steelers fan, went on some mindless rant about Big Ben yesterday that literally almost made my head explode from the nonsense it contained.

LINK TO POST IN QUESTION

Didja read it? Good. Or…bad, or whatever.

The overarching theme is that one crafty trash blogger can’t get into his Steelers this season because Ben should be in jail for two incidents that netted nothing more than a public lynching of a man based on one-sided “facts” and a lot of yelling and screaming. The whole thing begins with a warning to let you know just how contrarian and hip the post is supposed to be in order to soften the blow, then ends with some self-deprecating joke so that you don’t get too pissed at someone who may or may not be unnecessarily moralizing on a topic that’s already wasted enough ink. And in this case, we’re talking Internet ink, which is like way more valuable.

I’ll highlight a few of my favorite parts to see just how batshit insane this line of reasoning is.

Granted, there’s no definitive account of what happen that night in Georgia, or the first alleged rape, it’s no secret large amounts of cash exchanged hands to keep both voices silent. Some might say this speaks to the truth of these women’s allegations, but I’d counter by saying I don’t think of any of us would know how to react should a life-changing amount of money present itself to us. Would you choose the gauntlet of the press or having all your financial hopes and dreams instantly satisfied? Regardless, something happened. Twice.”

Oooo, we get a “granted.” And an allusion to that secret settlement! Hack-ass Mike Florio would LOVE this guy! No mention that multiple police investigations and a doctor’s examination immediately after the Georgia incident turned up no evidence of sexual assault. But you know, rich people can buy off victims and police and doctors. We can just say they did and that means they did it. In other news, I made myself believe a hundred Snickers ice cream bars were waiting for me when I went to the freezer last night and was surprised that there were none. Shouldn’t my singular thoughts have made this into reality? I said it happened and then it didn’t. The hell?

I simply cannot root for a man who’d be in jail right now if he wasn’t practically Jesus in that pocket. Not to mention, the Steelers weren’t doing too bad without him.”

I really don’t know which angle to go on with this argument. Strictly football-based or moralistic? Eh…I’ll do both. The Steelers were not ok without Ben. Yes, they won some games, but were dead last in the league in passing yards. The quarterbacks that took Ben’s place existed for a few weeks while the D outplayed nearly every opponent.

And who was one of those QBs that “wasn’t doing too bad” in Ben’s absence thanks to a decent game against Tampa bay’s fraudy team? One Charlie Batch. The same Charlie Batch who allegedly drugged and gang-raped a girl back in 2000. It’s 2010 now, so let’s all yell and scream about the more recent QB who was suspended without being arrested or even charged with a sex crime while we conveniently laud and accept the other QB who was accused but never arrested or even charged with a sex crime.

Hope you didn’t cheer for Jerome Bettis AT ALL in Super Bowl XL.

Frankly, aside from the inconsistent argument and nonsensical reasoning, there was one other glaring reason for wasting my time with this post. I mean, there’s a reason I haven’t talked about the Ben allegations on PSAMP aside from some random unlicensed merch (1, 2, 3) and Eminem dropping a Roethlisberger reference in a song. It’s that there is no moderation in any of the discussion on this topic. There’s his diehard detractors and supporters. I’ve let the legal and NFL investigations do their thing, accepted the outcome and moved on.

But The Superficial went hard against Ben while walking a shaky moral line of his own. Perez Hilton, that stupid ugly POS, made waves this summer for publishing a picture of underage human Miley Cyrus’ vagina. Trash blogs like The Superficial kept from publishing the pics in question at first, and decided to run posts on the did-Hilton-publish-child-pornography angle in order to not appear as slimy. Because:

If Perez Hilton posting a picture of Miley Cyrus’ vagina for sheer publicity isn’t considered child porn, and rightfully so, I’m pretty sure posting half an 18-in-60-days buttcrack falls under the same umbrella.”

All’s fair game, guys! 18-in-60-days asscrack! Possible Miley Cyrus vagina! CLICK NSFW to see uncensored pics! More Polanski jokes about another then-underage girl in a bikini! PAGEVIEWS!!!! BEN BAD, UNDERAGE VAGINA ON INTERNET GOOD. But back to his anti-Ben creed:

Now, here’s where I begin to take issue, especially with women and fathers with daughters: The mental gymnastics.

“Those girls had it coming. Twice.”
“They were just after his money. Twice.”
“SUPER BOWL RINGS, BABY! Twice
.”

So correct me if I’m wrong…but weren’t the underage girls posted because they – GASP- had it coming? I mean, if a 17 year old girl flashes her ass or vagina, doesn’t it have to be put on the Internet? There’s a law stating this somewhere, right? The Superficial wouldn’t glorify a 17 year old’s ass because she happened to expose part of it, would he? He’s above that line of reasoning. Exposed underage skin just gives him the greenlight to put it on the Internet. If she hadn’t pulled down her bottom so slightly, there’d be no reason to announce it out to the masses. She pretty much asked to be put on blast, age be damned.

And all of this is without mentioning all the facts that discredit both Ben’s accusers. The Georgia girl’s DTF sticker, or the fact she somehow followed him to every bar he was at by accident, or the Reno chick’s claims that she wanted a baby Ben. These are all trivial speedbumps because I SAY HE’S GUILTY SO HE’S GUILTY!

So stick to photoshopping pink stars onto what may or may not be 17-year old girls’ vaginas to get that all-important second pageview when your readers “CLICK NSFW to see uncensored pics!” Football fans will stick to realizing that we cheer for our team, not for the off-field behavior of the players that might be true and/or wrongly vilified.

Oh wait, I need to end with something self-deprecating to make sure you guys don’t take me TOO seriously. I write about mini ponies! What’s up with that!?!?!?!

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