Everything sucks:
Time to set aside our December 31sts and look back at the year of suck. We've been doing this post annually because things are just bleak, my man. The ship of life is inevitably going down, we're all going to die and Ryan afsjhafs Succop denied us one final bit of happiness.
Seriously, as much as the Steelers sucked in 2013, starting with four preseason losses stacked in front of an 0-4 regular season open, they still almost made the playoffs at 8-8 because the AFC sucked even worse. So while things with the team hit a horrible low with a second-consecutive .500 football campaign, at least another entity sucking more made for entertaining Steelers scenarios through the late games of week 17. But Ryan jdsfiah Succop and the refs in that Chiefs game… This whole year-end writeup has an entirely different vibe if the Chiefs pull that game out.
The Pirates sucked if we were in some alternate dimension where "sucked" meant "ruled." They extinguished the 20-year losing streak and made the playoffs for a late Summer and early Autumn to remember. We haven't seen October baseball since shortly after the 80s, I mean get real. It's tough to include the Pirates in a post bemoaning an entire year which seems to make me think we ARE in that alternate dimension.
So I'll just stay mad at the Cardinals for ending the Pirates' dream season. And I'll always remember the Buccos faithful coaxing Johnny Cueto into sucking:
The Pens…well, the Pens concluded an entire shortened season, postseason, and half of another regular-length season in 2013, doing well in both regular seasons and throwing a mixed bag of results out there in the playoffs. An Eastern Conference Finals berth is nothing to sneeze at, but being swept while only scoring two goals in four games…that sucks. And through the entire year, the Pens have played this less fun game of "either Sid or EVERYONE ELSE is hurt" because any time Sid and the rest of the Pens play a couple of games together at full health, someone is bound to go down for an extended period. Can we quit that trend in 2014? Can we make that into a resolution or something?
These replica Pens Stanley Cup rings sucked in 2013. And will continue to suck into the future.
The Steelers sucked in acquiring Levi Brown, but the Browns out-sucked everyone.
The Pens were so awful against the Bruins that Batman's Penguin outshot them.
Dan Bylsma's haters think he sucked in 2013, so here's a calendar for continuing the hate.
And light switch penis. Lots of light switch penis.
One thing that really sucked this year was that pro-girls female empowerment GoldieBlox commercial where the company tried to right the moral wrong of there not being enough female engineers, only through appropriation of a song by a group that specifically refused the licensing of said music in commercials. In one of the member's wills. RIP MCA, I hope to never hear a bastardized Beastie Boys track in an ad ever again. You want good female empowerment? Watch the video for Math the Band's new single, January 2008:
That's how it's done. And here's hoping January indeed brings along better stuff in our collective worlds.
Why not throw out another Math the Band song because they are the best:
Listen to that one with your speakers all the way up.
So here we go with the routine classic Katt Williams quote to get us motivated for 2014:
You gotta keep it pushing. I don't even go to ni**as' birthday parties if they doing the same shit as last year.
Before using a different classic Katt quote to close the year. We'll go with this one at the end of 2013:
F**k them god**mn lights. I got 12 candles I been WAITIN' to burn them b*tches.
Burn all the candles in 2014.
Go Pens.
Go Steelers.
Go Pirates.
Go anything but 2013.
