A funny thing happened yesterday. No, not the Bylsma extension…I expected as much and the team delivered. Perhaps it was a funny thing to everyone who thought he was as good as fired.
The funny thing was that GM Ray Shero came out and spoke candidly for about an hour on the team and expectations, and the people who wanted Bylsma axed all of a sudden turned on the masterful architect of this team who has been called nothing short of "genius" in his tenure. Somehow since the individual wants of the loss-mad fan went unheeded, the GM has lost all credibility and can no longer be trusted. Today's Malkin extension is likely a kick in those fans' faces.
But at the base level, it all boils down to keeping Dan Bylsma around as coach. According to Bylsma-hater logic, it won't matter if we have Sid and Geno for the rest of their primes if Disco Dan is around to muck things up for everyone.
So I've put together the below calendar for those of you intent on orbiting around negativity as it relates to the Pens and their head coach. We've heard all these comments and criticisms before for a variety of reasons, you might as well double-down on your idiocy if you're gonna keep up the front.
Early-October, 2013 – Loudly tell your buddy you can't believe Bylsma is here for opening night. Tell him you hope the Pens miss the playoffs for that reason.
20 minutes later, early-October, 2013 – Pens give up 2 quick ones and Dan looks up at the sky. Huck your Steelers Bad Call Brick at your tv which you didn't get to use during football this week cos the Steelers are on a bye. God the Steelers are awesome. Pens should fire Bylsma and hire a Rooney.
Mid-November, 2013 – A month and a half in and Simon Despres is a healthy scratch to get some rest. Make sure everyone at the sports bar knows sitting Despres was the wrong move. You also would've started a cyborg version of Mark Eaton and also kidnapped Rob Scuderi's family in the offseason to force him back to the Burgh.
Mid-December, 2013 – After clinching their 10th straight win, becoming the only team with 10-game win streaks in 4-straight seasons, make sure everyone knows that this won't help squat in the playoffs. "Playoffs are a different monster, Bylsma can't hack it there."
Late-January, 2014 – Pens slump heading into the Olympics. Tell your dog that you can't see Bylsma as head coach once everyone returns from Russia, and you would've gotten rid of him back in June if you had your way. The dog humps your leg.
snowboard cat know's what's up
February 18th, 2014 – "CAN'T BELIEVE DAN IS COACHING TEAM USA IN SOCHI. MIKE BABCOCK IS GONNA MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE A FOOL."
End-February, 2014 – "Pssshhhhhtttt…bronze medal is second loser."
March 1st, 2014 – "Pens are 1-1 in outdoor games. If they lose this game to the Blackhawks there's no way Bylsma survives. 1-2 in outdoor games is crap. We should hire Joel Quenneville today."
Late-March, 2014 – Pens beat new division mate Washington and your insults briefly shift to everything DC because you're still obsessed with the 05-09 Capitals.
Early-April, 2014 – Pens lose playoff opener. 4,000 Pittsburghers commit seppuku via extensive paper cuts by their PensPoints vouchers. Everyone Youtubes it and on video you can hear the slow hum of "Dannnnnnnnnnnnn" at the moment of honor.
today's penspoints code is ASININE
The next day, early-April, 2014 – "WHAT'S BYLSMA'S RECORD IN THE PLAYOFFS SINCE THE CUP?!?!" [hint]
End-May, 2014 – Pens get taken to 6 games in the ECF. Make Twitter become Super-Hell.
Mid-June, 2014 – The Pens get swept in 2 games (refs cancel the next 2 games to spare Bylsma the pain) in the SCF to a new independent team created by Jaromir Jagr in the 2013 offseason consisting entirely of Jagr clones. Re-start this insult chain as necessary.